Lawyer Jokes
1.
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend, but they had never discussed fees. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and effort and handed him a handsome hand-tooled Moroccan leather wallet.The lawyer looked at the wallet in insult and astonishment and handed it back and retorted that a simple wallet could not possibly be expected to compensate him for his services. ‘My fee for that work, ‘ acidly snapped the attorney, ‘is normally five hundred dollars.’ His friend calmly opened the wallet, removed a five one thousand dollar bills from it, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile, and asked “Happy now?”
2.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, ‘I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?’ St. Peter replied, ‘Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!’
3.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying ‘I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you do God’s work.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying ‘I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you protect the public.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying ‘I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you serve the justice system.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
4.
A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, ‘Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.’ Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. Her brother says, ‘You should cry, you jerk, pulling a stunt like this!’ Through his tears, Murray croaks, ‘You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!’
