A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.
Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute, ‘ returned the old man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.
‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘ Been married to your sister for 48 years.’
Posted Under: marriage
This post was written by admin on May 31, 2009 Comments (0)
1.
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend, but they had never discussed fees. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and effort and handed him a handsome hand-tooled Moroccan leather wallet.The lawyer looked at the wallet in insult and astonishment and handed it back and retorted that a simple wallet could not possibly be expected to compensate him for his services. ‘My fee for that work, ‘ acidly snapped the attorney, ‘is normally five hundred dollars.’ His friend calmly opened the wallet, removed a five one thousand dollar bills from it, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile, and asked “Happy now?”
2.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, ‘I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?’ St. Peter replied, ‘Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!’
3.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying ‘I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying ‘I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying ‘I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
4.
A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, ‘Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.’ Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. Her brother says, ‘You should cry, you jerk, pulling a stunt like this!’ Through his tears, Murray croaks, ‘You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!’
Posted Under: Lawyers
This post was written by admin on May 31, 2009 Comments (0)
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Posted Under: Redneck
This post was written by admin on May 21, 2009 Comments (0)
This is an incredibly funny episode of The Office.
Michael creates a no work zone “cafe disco” in the old Michael Scott Paper company offices for Dunder Mifflin employees to hang out. “A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together to meet, to greet, to see the ones you love”. Unfortunately everyone is more focused on getting their work done as opposed to having fun.
Michael tries to bribe Kevin Malone to hang out with a fake cookie.
Pam Beesly and Jim Halpert plan to get married at the Younstown Ohio courthouse.
Phylis Vance throws out her back dancing with Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute provides medical care using “oil from the glad of an otter”! Apparently Phylis grinds her teeth.
Kelly Kapoor and Andy Bernard engage in a dance off which was absolutely hilarious. Then Kelly pierces Andy’s ear.
Kevin is seen in the corner making out with some woman.
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH’S
A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’
To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH’S (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
‘Why?’ asks the father?
‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ‘6′, replies RALPHY.
‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.
‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”
‘What’s the f…… Difference?’ asks the father.
‘That’s what I said!’
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
Which one is married?’
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’
RALPHY says ‘Mas-tur-bate.’
Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little RALPHY, that’s a mouthful.’
Little RALPHY says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.’
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’
The teacher replied, ‘Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’
Please use the word ‘ur-I-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.’
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if
You had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!’
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.’
‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
‘My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.’
She said, ‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just f…… Beautiful!”
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’
Little RALPHY replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.’
The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’
Little RALPHY answered, ‘No, he minded his own f…… business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong — and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
He replied, “There’s something wrong with my d _ CK.”
The receptionist became irritated and said,
“You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you.”
The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
“You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering..
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear.”
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it.”
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose!
Posted Under: Health
This post was written by admin on April 17, 2009 Comments (0)
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
- “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said,
- “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
- “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:
- “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”
Posted Under: Health
This post was written by admin on April 17, 2009 Comments (0)
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
“So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” ….
“In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days.”
“Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”
“What is your FIRST request???’
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
“You have a very fine and loyal horse”, “But I will still kill you in two days.”
“What is your SECOND request???”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents,”
“But I will still kill you tomorrow.”
“What is your LAST request ???”
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse, …. alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
