CHINESE SICK LEAVE : ‘I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!’
Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’
The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what You say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon………You got nice house’=
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Bracelet at Tiffany’s
A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little ‘whoops’ and prays that a sales person wasn’t anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he’s good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam . . if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit when I tell you the price .”
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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother says,
‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about herself,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks,
‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce..’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because you got an F in sex.’
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LARRY IS IN ROOM 232.
Ok, so you’re asking, who in the heck is ‘Larry’?
Well let me tell you about Larry.
Larry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife says, ‘Where in the heck have you been?’
Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’
”A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?
”I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly.
‘What the heck were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Why on earth would an Accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?’
“Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
Larry is recovering in Room 232 at the Hospital.
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If this does not touch your heart, then you just don’t have one….
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Lucky Guy
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
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Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as…..
Einstein’s Theory of “Relative Titty.”
Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this shit, I just receive it from my warped friends.
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My neighbor has a puppy he’s giving away (FREE!).
It’s a Dachshund, it’s house broken, and it’s great with kids.
He’s giving it away because his wife says the dog ’stares’ at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the ‘Heebie Jeebies’. I think she is just weird!
If you’re interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here’s a picture of the dog.
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Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.
1. It’s important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods
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APARTMENT FOR RENT
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
‘Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment.. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 – it had never been occupied;
#2 – there was plenty of heat; and
#3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 – it had been previously occupied,
#2 – there wasn’t any heat, and
#3 – it was entirely too large.’
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
‘ Dear Sir:
#1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
Regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
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